1988: sr

my first crush. child definition of “cute”. clear skin, good looking, with a tiny dimple on the right cheek. not sporty due to light asthma. rather quiet and serious. pretty smart, always got into the top 10 in class. loaded (hell, he got a volvo car and a chauffeur just for him, every single day). rather cheap though. on annual christmas charity he donated just 2kg of rice. i asked him surely he could give way more considering fancy car and chauffeur shit; he said he did not want to attract attention by giving too much. i called bullshit; he shrugged. later on i realized that he was merely a kid, maybe it was his parents who did not want to donate much?

speaking of parents: dad was a famous, highly sought ob-gyn due to his “golden-touch” (whatever that meant) and mum was a home maker. dad never attended any school events. mum only showed up when it was time to pick up report card. whenever she came it was like witnessing a royal paying a visit to the common. her outfit was impecabble head-to-toe, her hair was done, and her back was straight all the time. she exuded the vibe that got everyone shivered, even teachers seemed to be scared of her. she was cold and distant.

he hardly laughed. he seemed unhappy. one time, during a biology lesson, a teacher asked him to pay attention, caused surely he wanted to be good doctor like his father. he said that was the last thing he wanted to do on earth. during recess i asked him why he said such thing. he responded that his father was never at home, and most of the times he had to leave home at odd or wee hours to deliver the baby. he said he did not want that kind of life. i think that was the first time in my life that i realized that you could be rich as hell and not happy.

we went to different middle school, but we met again in high school. after high school, he moved to holland to study engineering, following the steps of his older brothers. we had never met again. last time i heard his dad passed away due to a heart attack, and his mum moved to holland.


to all the guys i had loved before

like it or not, ex-es are part of my life. maybe they are not (physically) present in my life at the moment, but they had undeniably painted some colors and left some marks.

and for that alone, i am grateful for my ex-es. who and what i am today are composition of those share moments with them. there are little things that i would have not known, or enjoyed, or appreciated – had they not brought them to my life.

so to all the guys i had loved before (or at least had crush on): thank you.