like a dream

these past ten days have been like a dream to  me.

it feels unreal.

i cannot recall the last time i was in such a funk state like this. cause, as far as i remember, it had never been this hard. and i usually had the will, the drive, the strength needed to overcome the obstacles, as well as definite goals to move myself toward to.

this time, for once, i am at loss. i had to completely stop whatever “busy-ness” i had gotten myself into, chuck that lengthy to-do list i kept with me for ages, and book the next flight available to australia. and i have to look hard into the image i see in the mirror, and ask, “what the fuck do i do with my life now?”

this really blows.

it is hilarious and sad in the same time cause it is such a drama-like cliché that i would roll my eyes if i hear this story from someone else, and yet it is really happening. to me. it had never occurred to me that i would be “experiencing” this. did i see that coming? maybe, considering the changes i had been observing in the past few months. did i acknowledge that it was happening? maybe not, mainly because there was a glimmer of hope that it was not what i thought it was. to give the benefit of the doubt, i told myself. looking back, it could be some basic form of denial. it could be a way devised by my mental immune system to buy some time. it could be some sort of illusion* created by deeper part of myself to shelter me from total breakdown. until, of course, the reality finally caught up.

presented with cold, hard facts, i had no choice except to collide with the Truth. the ultimate crash was inevitable, and it was definitely not a fine scene. the main reason i survived was that i had a Benz-quality air bag who told me to “pack your bags, get to the next available flight to australia, and come to stay with me for as long as you need to.”

am i fine now? of course not. well, not yet. i am bruised and scarred and hurt. badly.

will i get better? i think so. at least, i hope so.

*friedrich nietzsche wrote, “please, don’t destroy people’s lies, their illusions, because if you destroy their illusions they will not be able to love at all, they will collapse.”